Small Talk Read online

  If you don’t have to actually interrupt them but there is a pause in the conversation, then you can interject your closing. “I’m sorry to have to cut our conversation short, but I’ve got to go. I’m helping set up for the next speaker. It was so nice talking to you, though.”

  Closing #6 - Take care/Have a good...

  If you are not going to see them again for a long time or maybe you will never see them again, you can say, “Take care.” This is a universal expression that implies that you wish them well and that they take good care of themselves till you meet again. It would be appropriate if you’ve been at a conference with the same people for a couple of days and you’ve got to know them, and now you’re leaving and will probably never see them again. Or maybe not until next year’s conference.

  You can also use specific good wishes here such as, “Have a good flight/drive.” Or if they’ve told you about something coming up, you can comment on that. “Good luck with that presentation to your boss.” Or “Good luck with the guy at the coffee shop. You should definitely ask him out.” Or maybe if you’ve got into some deeper conversation with the person you could say, “Good luck talking with your son about him moving out. I hope it goes well.”

  Exiting a conversation gracefully takes some practice but you will get better at it the more you practice your small talk skills. The main thing is to convey that you’ve enjoyed talking to the person and that you hope to talk to them again. Naturally, you would only say that you hope to speak to them again if you really mean it.

  If you don’t want to talk to them again, that’s fine. Remember to be respectful. And you can use a simple closing that shows you’ve enjoyed speaking with them but doesn’t really leave them with the sense that you are open to conversing again. Most people will pick up on this and will be fine with it. If you didn’t sense a connection with them, then probably they didn’t sense one with you. A lot of the time, it goes both ways. And there’s no harm done in parting ways with respect and moving on to find someone that you resonate with and that you’ll enjoy speaking to more.

  If you are parting from someone you likely will not see again at all or not for a long time, it’s appropriate to use comments that show that you’ve enjoyed talking to them. Then wish them well in the future.

  Example Conversations

  In each conversation, there are explanations in the square brackets of what techniques and methods the people in the conversation are using to help you understand what’s going on.

  Example #1

  You are a new teacher at a school and you have gone to the Wine and Cheese event that was organized. You are standing by yourself and notice another teacher standing by themselves. You decide to go talk to them. Since this is a work event, you have several easy starters. You could introduce yourself by saying your name and what you teach. No doubt the conversation will flow from there.

  “Hi, I’m Miranda Novak and I teach grade nine and ten math.”

  [Anchor — your shared experience is both of your being teachers]

  The other teacher smiles and shakes your hand.

  “Hey, I’m Grace Darling. I teach grade eleven and twelve English.”

  “English? Wow. I’m impressed. I’m more of a numbers person.”

  [Reveal — you tell something light about yourself, you’re better at numbers than words]

  “I like them both,” Grace says. “I actually love teaching math too. But when I came here, English was the only position open, so I took it. But if I had a chance I might switch back.”

  [Reveal — this prompts her to reveal something about herself, she enjoys both numbers and words]

  “Really,” you say. “That’s interesting. Usually, people are good at one or the other, not both.”

  Example #2

  You are having some work done on your vehicle and the service station offers rides to work. Your workplace is a ten-minute ride away, so you are stuck in the vehicle with this stranger in silence for all that time.

  There are a few starters that you could use in this situation. You could start by asking them if they have other tasks they do for their job, other than driving customers. You could ask if they like their job. You could ask whether they like working for that particular business.

  If you don’t feel comfortable asking about their job, you could start by commenting on the weather. Everyone has an opinion on the weather and it’s something that everyone can either rejoice in or commiserate with, depending on what is happening on that day.

  You could also comment on the traffic or lack thereof.

  Sometimes a person who does this sort of job begins to make conversation first. If this is the case then you just have to make sure you are answering in complete sentences and asking them questions about themselves. The conversation will roll on naturally from there.

  “I’m going to 364 Moore Street,” you say to the man giving you the ride.

  “Sure,” he answers.

  “Really mild winter we’re having this year, don’t you think?”

  [Anchor — the mild winter is a shared experience and is a light topic of conversation]

  “Yeah, I haven’t even got my winter clothes out yet. I’ve been making do with my fall jacket,” he says.

  [Reveal — he is open to conversing and he tells something about himself, he hasn’t got out his winter clothes yet]

  “Oh wow. I have to have my hat, scarf, and mittens, even in fall. Or I’m freezing. You don’t get cold?”

  [Reveal — you tell him something else about yourself, you get cold easily] [Encourage — you ask a question, he doesn’t get cold wearing such light clothing]

  “Nah,” he says with a laugh. “I’m hot blooded; my ancestors were Scandinavian. We’re good with cold.”

  [This gives you plenty of conversational paths that you could take from here. You could ask about his ancestors who came from Scandinavia and whether he still has family there. You could ask about how long he has lived in the city and if he ever has been to any of the Scandinavian countries. You could inquire further about his abilities to withstand the cold and at what temperature below freezing he would actually take out his winter coat. Etc.]

  Example #3

  You are walking your dog at the park and you see a pretty woman that you want to talk to sitting on a bench, but you’re nervous. You use the Counting Your Breaths technique for a minute until you feel calmer . Then you go up to her and start a conversation using the ARE method to get things going.

  “Hi,” you say, pointing beside her. “Is this seat taken?

  [Not the best opening, but it is a shared experience. And you are nervous.]

  “No, go ahead,” she says, gesturing to the open spot.

  You sit down and have your dog lie down quietly beside you. The two of you sit in silence for a moment, then she comments, “That’s a pretty quiet and well-behaved dog you have there.”

  [Reveal — she’s giving her opinion on your pet]

  You smile.

  “He sure is. He’s a rescue and I’ve had him since he was a puppy.”

  “Aw,” she says, leaning over to look at the dog. You continue on because her body language indicates she’s interested in what you have to say about your dog.

  “He’s happy as long as he’s near me. He probably wouldn’t be as content if I went to an office every day. But because I work from home, he doesn’t have to be cooped up alone all day. Every day we come for a couple walks here.”

  “Really,” she says. “What do you do?”

  [Moving on to FORD. She has inquired about your occupation, which takes us to a further level of small talk. So far so good.]

  “I’m a computer programmer,” you tell her.

  “Cool,” she says, impressed.

  “What do you do for a living?” you say to get her to talk more about herself since you realize that you’ve maybe been doing most of the talking.

  “I’m a contemporary dancer in a dance troupe.”

  “Who
a, cool job,” you say.

  “It is,” she says, with a smile. “It doesn’t pay much. But I love it. So that makes up for it.”

  “What’s the name of the troupe?”

  “Dance the Night Away.”

  “I’ve heard of that,” you say. “Maybe I’ll come to a show.”

  “That would be great. We have a concert tomorrow night at the Dvorak Theatre. You could come.”

  “I’d love that.”

  “Awesome. If you wait around after the show, maybe we could grab a drink?” she suggests.

  “I would like that,” you say.

  “Cool. See you then,” she says, getting up.

  [She uses a graceful exit and you have a time and place set up for meeting to talk again. A successful small talk conversation, no doubt.]

  Example #4

  You’re standing in line at the coffee shop and run into a colleague who is an acquaintance. This is still small talk, but slightly different because you already know each other, so there are some ready-made conversation starters built into your relationship.

  “Hey Cathy,” you say.

  “Hey, Dana. How are you?”

  “I’m good. Glad it’s Friday.”

  [The I’m good by itself wouldn’t be a very interesting continuation of the conversation and might cause a stall. But adding that you’re glad it’s Friday is a Reveal and also gives her something else to respond to.]

  “Yeah. I still have to go back to the office to finish some stuff up. You know, first, it’s the phone, then the email, and then someone knocks at the door. Fridays and Mondays are really busy for some reason.”

  “Huh, interesting.”

  [She kind of hasn’t given you anything to respond to here, so the conversation lags but doesn’t quite stall as you recall something you can tell her which happened to you this week.]

  “Well, it’s been an interesting week in my office,” you say. “There was a leak and I had to move everything.”

  “Oh no,” she comments.

  [And the conversation is back on track. A leak is interesting and there’s plenty of conversational fodder.]

  Example #5

  There is a guy at your work holiday party that is super handsome and wearing the ugliest Rudolf sweater you have ever seen. You have been wondering about the strange juxtaposition of this hot guy in this terrible sweater all night and finally, you decide to be bold and use an ice breaker conversational starter and go ask him about the sweater.

  “Hello,” you say with a smile. “My name is Mercy.”

  You hold out your hand and he smiles back at you and shakes.

  “Hey Mercy,” he says.

  “I have been wondering about your sweater all night,” you say. “I must know where you got it.”

  [Reveal]

  “It’s sort of a long story,” he says, his eyes twinkling. He knows the sweater is ugly.

  “I must hear it,” you say, wondering if you should say what you’re thinking. You’ve had a couple of champagnes and you decide to go for it. “What is a good-looking guy like you doing in a sweater like that?”

  [Encourage — asking a question that encourages him to talk about the sweater]

  He raises one eyebrow when you say good-looking and is clearly pleased.

  “It’s because of Grammy,” he says.

  “Grammy,” you repeat to show you’re listening. “Got it. Go on.”

  “She knits these sweaters and she hasn’t figured out that I’m not five anymore,” he tells you, leaning in a bit, almost confidentially.

  [SOFTEN — forward lean to show attention]

  That doesn’t seem to explain anything, and you prompt him to continue.

  “So…”

  “So today I stopped by my Mom’s before the party and Grammy was there with my Christmas present that she wanted to give me early because Mom had mentioned I was going to the party.”

  “Oh,” you say, starting to get it.

  “She wanted me to wear it.” He looks a little bashful. “It’s dumb. I know. And she wouldn’t even probably remember that she gave it to me. Her memory’s going.”

  This squeezes your heart a little.

  “You could have taken it off when you got here. Before you came into the party. She wouldn’t have known,” you suggest.

  He gives a little shrug.

  “I promised her I’d wear it. And I would have known,” he says.

  Wow. Hot, loves his Grammy, and has integrity. The combination is almost too good to be true.

  You have to ask.

  “So, where’s your girlfriend?” you say. “She must be around here somewhere!”

  He gives a rueful smile.

  “Nah. Girls don’t go for guys in Rudolf sweaters,” he says.

  “They don’t?” you say, pretending to think. “I could have sworn I did.”

  His eyes light up.

  “You want to get out of here and grab a bite to eat?”

  “Sounds great,” you say.

  Troubleshooting

  Most conversations go well. But sometimes they don’t. And it’s important to think about what you’ll do when things go wrong. This section is about common problems that you may encounter in any social situation where small talk is involved and what to do about them. We will discuss concrete actions that you can take if your conversation has gone off the rails. Maybe you can get it back on the track. Or maybe you need to just jump off. Either way, we have solutions for you, so that you are prepared when things don’t go as expected.

  Conversation won’t start

  Problem

  You are attempting to talk to someone and get a conversation going and they don’t seem interested despite your best attempts.

  Possible causes

  They just aren’t interested in you because they think they’re cooler than you.

  The two of you just aren’t a good fit.

  You’re doing something to turn them off.

  Solutions

  There’s nothing you can do about them thinking they’re cooler than you and not being interested. That’s pretty much all on them. No matter what you do, they’ve already judged you and it’s not likely they’ll change their mind. Just move on.

  Sometimes both of you are trying but you simply aren’t a good fit. Again, be respectful and end the conversation, moving on to someone that you are more able to connect with.

  It is possible that you are doing something to turn them off. So, you need to do a few checks.

  A. Check your body language. Is it closed off and protective and you don’t even realize it? Are you making eye contact? Are you smiling? Use SOFTEN to check the non-verbal cues you’re sending.

  B. When was the last time you heard them talk? Are you monopolizing the conversation? If you’re not sure what their voice sounds like, then you’re probably creating a conversational black hole for them and you need to stop. Ask them something about themselves. Use ARE or FORD to draw them out. Maybe you can revitalize the conversation by paying closer attention and being interested in them.

  C. Or are you asking too many questions? Possibly diving into topics that your conversational partner isn’t ready for? Are you being weird? If you think in your nervousness you might have made some missteps in the conversation, then your best chance to salvage it is to come clean. Tell them you’re a little nervous and that you’re trying to improve your conversational skills. Be honest. If you’re lucky, they’ll understand and the conversation can start over with the ARE method.

  If they’re weirded out, though, you’ll have to just politely excuse yourself and get out of there. Don’t be hard on yourself about it though. Go to the restroom. Regroup. And try again. Remember to start easy with a shared experience. Then move on. There may be some eggs broken as you make this omelet. The thing is to not give up and keep trying. You’ll get better at it the more you do it.

  Conversation stalls

  Problem

  The conversation is coming to its natur
al conclusion. It’s not actually a stall, it’s an end.

  The person you’re talking to gives you a one-word answer and then neither of you says anything, causing the stall.

  Your partner seems to have got bored and doesn’t really want to continue talking to you because they aren’t interested anymore, thus stalling out the conversation.

  Possible causes

  Sometimes you don’t have much to say to a certain person. If that’s the case, then respectfully end the conversation and move on. Neither of you has done anything wrong. There is a natural dynamic between two people and some have more to say to each other than others.

  You’ve forgotten to ask open-ended questions and the person you’re talking to has answered with a one-word answer. The conversation hits a brick wall and then you panic and don’t know what to say.

  You’re not paying close attention to the person you’re trying to talk to and you’re not making sure they’re interested in the conversation, so then you end up talking too much about yourself and the other person isn’t interested in the topics you’re trying to discuss.

  Solutions

  If you’re just not a good conversational fit, then simply end the conversation respectfully and move on. No harm. No foul.

  Remember to ask open-ended questions to begin with, and then you will avoid the conversational stall. Of course, at this point it’s too late, so you can get the ball rolling again using the FORD method. Ask them a question about their family, occupation, or what they like to do in their spare time. The conversation is completely still salvageable and you may actually end up having a really good talk after a stall.