Small Talk Read online

  Some behaviors that definitely need to be avoided when engaging in small talk with someone are the following: Avoid looking at other things or other people when the person is speaking. And definitely avoid checking your phone. When you’re not looking at the person that you are speaking with, it gives the impression that you don’t care about what they are saying. Even if you do care, have been listening, and can recite back verbatim what they have just said, they will think that you don’t, based on your body language.

  Other people can sense when you are not really paying attention to what they are saying. And if you have had difficulty with small talk in the past, it was maybe because you just didn’t care about what the person was saying and that showed. If you would like to truly master the art of small talk, then you are going to have to change your way of thinking about other people.

  Every single interaction you have in a day has value. Every single person you meet, even if it’s for the smallest of interactions, has the potential to either add value and good to the world or to simply be yet another transaction without connection between two people. You will decide which sort of interaction it will be, based on how much true attention you give to the people that you meet.

  Who To Talk To

  Some situations put you in a spot where you don’t have a choice of who you talk to. For instance, when you are seated next to someone at a table, there is no choice in who to make small talk with. It’s the person sitting next to you. No need to make a choice. Just start talking.

  But when you are in a social situation and you need to choose who to talk to it can be quite a nerve-wracking experience. Having to choose a small talk conversational partner can happen at a party, a conference or workshop, a networking event, a wine and cheese, a bridal or baby shower, in a doctor’s or dentist’s waiting room, etc. All of these circumstances require you to approach someone you don’t know and have a conversation. In a waiting room, you might not always have to speak to the person, but sometimes people will speak to you. So, the person you choose to sit beside may become a conversational partner.

  Group versus one-on-one

  You will need to make your choice based on what is going on with you at the moment. Sometimes you may feel braver and more confident than at other times. It is important to recognize how you’re feeling at the moment and whether or not you can handle the social situation you’re putting yourself in. There is the question of whether to approach one person standing by themselves or try to join a group. There are pros and cons for each choice, which we will look at in more detail in the following section.

  Approaching a person standing alone

  Here are some of the pros of joining someone standing by themselves. It is less intimidating than approaching more people at once — going up to one person can seem a lot less daunting than going up to five people already in the middle of a conversation.

  Also, the person standing by themselves may be as nervous as you are and they will be grateful that you were brave enough to come up to them — bonus points for earning good karma, plus you now have something in common to talk about.

  And when you actually have to speak and say something, you are only saying it to one person and so that is less worrying too.

  But there are some cons to approaching one person by themselves. What if they are actually standing by themselves for a good reason? They want to tell you about their bunions or they’re a conversational black hole that will never stop talking and you’ll never get away. This is possible. But the probability of this actually happening is low. And in the Graceful Exit section, we will give you ways of getting out of a conversation that never ends.

  What if the conversation freezes and there’s only the two of you to restart it and neither of you seems up to the task? This is also a possibility, but you have your conversation starters to get things going again. Or you can make a graceful exit and get out of there.

  So, there is a good side and a bad side to going up to a person who is standing alone, but generally, it’s less intimidating than approaching a group and that has to do with how our brains are wired.

  Approaching a group

  Here are some of the pros of approaching a group of people instead of a lone person. First of all, it’s easier to sneak up and join in without drawing too much attention to yourself. Then when you feel comfortable or have something to say, you can insert yourself into the conversation without as much stress or feeling that you have to carry it.

  You can sometimes start a side conversation connected to the main conversation with a person who is close to you. So, in a way you use the group as a bit of a shield until you’re feeling confident enough to speak to someone one-on-one.

  If you’ve assessed yourself and determined that you simply don’t have the energy or presence to engage in small talk at the moment, then a group may the perfect solution. Not having social energy to engage can happen with an introvert who is extremely depleted, or someone with social anxiety, or anyone who is physically not feeling well. Joining a group of people can allow you to be a part of the social environment without feeling inadequate or having to use energy that you don’t have in interacting with others.

  So, the pros look pretty appealing. But the cons of approaching a group can be pretty nasty, so you have to choose wisely. Approaching a group that is mostly composed of strangers who are speaking to each other will likely be a success because they are all outsiders and don’t mind another joining them. But if you happen to approach a group of people who all know each other it can mean bad news for you and your fragile, budding small talk skills. If you go up to a group where everyone knows each other, you will likely get puzzled looks or frowns, or even eye rolls that indicate you’ve trespassed where even small talk masters fear to tread — a clique.

  These people are all talking together and consider themselves an entity. And they do not take kindly to strangers just waltzing up to their circle and interfering.

  This is a sort of social maiming and you may not come out of it without scars. We don’t want this to happen. So, be careful when approaching groups because the pros are worth it if you make good choices.

  One of the ways you can assure yourself of being accepted by the group is if someone introduces you. Maybe you’re at a networking event and an acquaintance of yours can introduce you to the group. This will allow you entry into a group in which everyone already knows each other because you have been vetted by someone they know.

  Another way to avoid this social maiming is to assure yourself that the group doesn’t know each other. You may be able to ascertain this by various clues that you’ve picked up throughout the event. If you’re sure, then go ahead and join them.

  For the brave soul, you can also walk into a group that knows each other and simply introduce yourself and then use a conversation starter, like FORD perhaps, which we will be discussing next.

  Make a decision based on each individual situation

  It’s up to you to make your choice based on how you are feeling. Are you confident and peppy or tired and suffering from low energy? You should also pay attention to the vibe of the crowd at the event. Are the people seeming open and friendly? Or snobby and clique-ish? And lastly, you need to gauge the individual person or group that you wish to approach. Are they sending keep away signals? Or do they seem approachable? Only you can make the decision. Some will work out well and some may not. But the only way you will get good at this is by trying, so give it a go.

  Conversation Starters

  When you start a conversation, it’s important not to sound too contrived. Some websites will give you conversation starters or ice breakers that are frankly ridiculous, and if you use them to start a conversation, you will definitely get some weird looks.

  Shared experience

  One of the easiest ways to start a conversation and one that makes the most sense is to comment on, or ask a question about, something that you are currently both experiencing.

  For instanc
e, if you are at a wedding reception, you could make a comment or ask a question about the ceremony itself that you and the other person have both just attended and now have in common.

  If you are waiting at a bus stop, you could remark to the person you’re standing next to about the weather, or whether the bus is on time or late.

  Here is another example in a work/professional situation. Maybe you are at an industry conference and you are at the Meet and Greet and talking to someone that just happened to be standing next to you.

  Being at the conference is something you have in common, so you could start with that. You could ask if the person flew in for the conference and whether they have decided which break out session they want to attend.

  Some conversationalist specialists will tell you that mundane things, such as the weather, are not interesting enough. But a shared experience is something that you already have in common with this stranger you’re trying to talk to. And what brings people together is having something in common.

  If you are in the same place as someone, you have something in common in that you are currently having a shared experience. You are both in that moment in that space together. Maybe you’re at a party, or waiting in line, or at an event. Wherever it is, you are there together and there is always something you can comment on.

  Also, you can use an interest you have in an article of clothing they’re wearing as a starter as well, because that is something you have in common. If you really like their coat or some other thing that they’re wearing, then you can start off that way.

  “That’s a nice coat! What company makes it?” Then a conversation about how warm it is, whether it has enough pockets, or what sort of material it’s made of can ensue. This is an easy opener that both the person starting the conversation and the other person can feel comfortable with because it is right there in front of you both, and this makes it easy to ask questions about it. And it is a shared experience in that you are both interested in it.

  This is the easiest beginning there is — to talk about a shared experience. Then you can move on to using the FORD or ARE techniques, which will be discussed in more detail later on in the book. Or maybe the person will make a comment about something you are curious about and then you can ask them about that and the conversation will ensue.

  Ask what you’ve been wondering

  Often you will see someone that you want to talk to and part of the reason that you want to talk to them is because you find something about them fascinating.

  Wow, that woman’s hair is really shiny. I wonder what sort of shampoo she uses?

  That guy is so charismatic. I wonder what he does for a living? Professional speaker, maybe?

  The dark brooding guy in the corner is so hot. I wonder why he’s not talking to anyone. Does he have a fascinating secret?

  Being brave and bold and going and simply asking someone a question about themselves that you’ve been wondering, or making some comment about them is a good way to start a conversation in a more interesting way, but still being natural and authentic.

  For instance, with the first comment, you could go up to the woman and say, “Your hair is beautiful, what shampoo do you use?” This may lead her to tell you and maybe she gives you some other hair tip like she washes it in goat’s milk or something too. Of course, this would lead you to ask where she learned to milk a goat. Just kidding. But the conversation will probably naturally flow from there. When things are winding down and you are ready to move on, you can thank her for telling you about the shampoo and mention that you’re going to check it out.

  With the charismatic guy, you could go up to him and say something like the following: “I’ve been watching you for the past couple minutes and you seem so comfortable chatting with people, I was wondering if you’re maybe a public speaker?”

  Maybe the man laughs and says, “Nah, I’m a plumber. I’m just good with people.” This can lead you to ask about his job. Who does he work for? What sort of jobs does he do? Or you could say that he seems as though he’d be really good as a public speaker from what you can see. There are quite a few different ways the conversation could go. But starting with a question, which also doubles as a compliment can be a good start — as long as you mean it and aren’t just trying to be smarmy and schmooze people.

  And as for the brooding man in the corner, you could go up to him and say, “I saw you standing here looking all dark and brooding and I wondered if you have a fascinating secret.”

  Now, you have to be the sort of person who can ask a question like this naturally. Many people couldn’t. But if you can, it might start an interesting conversation. It could turn out that he tells you that he’s just nervous about starting to talk to someone because he’s not very good at small talk. Ah, shared experience! You can say that you are a little nervous too and ta-da, the conversation has begun.

  Ice Breaker Comments

  Well, here are some ice breaker comments if you really want your conversations to be exciting… and you’re not worried about getting weird looks from some people who aren’t used to such interesting talk.

  “If you could only eat one food for the next five years, what would you eat?”

  “If you won an all-expenses-paid trip, what place would you go to?”

  “If someone paid you $100 000 to eat a bowl of beetles, would you do it?”

  “What is your hidden talent?”

  “If you had a superpower, what would it be?”

  If you’re brave/crazy enough to use these ice breakers, you may end up having some of the most interesting conversations of your life. Of course, some people may just think you’re crazy and walk away. But, nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you’re feeling confident, give it a try. The worst that can happen is you find out who the uptight people are in the room.

  Often the hardest part of small talk is getting started. And once you have begun, it’s just a matter of being truly interested in the person and asking questions about them. Then you share some things about yourself when it’s appropriate. And voila. You have made small talk.

  Small Talk Techniques

  There is a myriad of techniques that you can use to make small talk if you have not had much success with it in the past. But we are not going to talk about every single method you could use. That would be confusing and unnecessary. There are two techniques that are tried and true that will be presented in this section. People have been using them for millennia to talk to other people that they don’t know well.

  Since the beginning of time, people have been asking other people about these same topics. But some kind people have put them into a memory-friendly mnemonic device so that when we’re under pressure we can still remember what we can talk about with the stranger in front of us.

  In the following chapters, we will talk about the ARE, FORD, and SOFTEN techniques to help you remember the small talk basics and become relaxed and natural when making conversation.

  The ARE Technique

  In terms of all the techniques that have been developed for making small talk, the ARE method seems to be the best for beginning a conversation. The method takes two strangers who know nothing about each other but who happen to be thrown together and it allows them to begin to get to know each other.

  If a conversation is like a dance, then this method gives you the steps to begin. The acronym ARE stands for Anchor, Reveal, and Encourage.

  The A in ARE stands for Anchor. An anchor is an object that holds another object in place. It keeps you in one spot, rooted. The Anchor is about being where and when you are and using it as a conversation starter to make small talk.

  This is similar to what we talked about in the previous chapter about using shared experience to begin a conversation. It is the thing that makes the most sense because it is right in front of you. And it is something that you already have in common.

  Some methods have you searching for somewhat arbitrary or kind of fake things that you could possibly have in commo
n, or even making up things to have in common. But when you are with someone in the same place, you have something in common — the present moment of where and when you are. And there is always something to say about that. Even if you are in a bare room with no furniture, no decorations, and no one else, you can always comment on how bare the room is, how uncomfortable it is to sit on the floor, and how you got into this strange place to begin with.

  Anchor

  So, Anchoring is all about taking the first, perhaps tentative step towards a stronger connection with this person. It is all about using your surroundings as inspiration for beginning the dance. You could mention the place you’re in, what the weather is like, or other people (respectfully, of course). If you’re at an event/party you could make a comment about the food and drink, the entertainment, the venue, or the decorations. Or you could comment on something positive about the other person, such as what they’re wearing or doing.

  Conversation #1 - Anchor

  You’re at a workshop for teachers and the person beside you is trying to adjust her abnormally low chair before things get started. You comment, “Why are there so many levers on that chair? It seems like overkill.”

  She looks up and smiles.