Small Talk Read online

  The beginning of developing your own true presence is avoiding taking on a persona or trying to act like someone you’re not. You need to be rooted in yourself and communicate that to others. If you can do this, you will give off an authentic and true presence that others will be attracted to.

  But how? Well, presence starts with being rooted in yourself and feeling your own presence. You can do this by trying this short exercise. Sit by yourself and hold your hand up in front of you. Keep it still and close your eyes. Now, without moving your hand or opening your eyes, ask yourself…

  How do I know that my hand is still there?

  If you get quiet and still, you will be able to sense your hand. Once you practice a bit, you’ll be able to sense your whole body, even with your eyes open. That is your own presence. Then when you go into a small talk situation, you can feel your presence and when you’re well-grounded in yourself that way, others will pick up on that.

  Another way you communicate presence is by really paying close attention to the other person. If you watch a charismatic person in a conversation, you will notice that they seem to be really interested in what the other person is saying. This is not an act. They really are interested. That’s part of what makes them such a presence in the room. They aren’t acting a part, they are being authentically themselves. And that is such a rare thing that people are startled and captivated by it.

  Before you enter a small talk situation, take one breath and feel your presence. Then go into the conversation ready to be interested in the other person. You will be surprised at the difference in the quality of the small talk you are able to make.

  Positivity

  Be positive. That’s what you hear so much these days. But what does it mean? And how can you be positive when you are anxious about a social situation or meeting new people?

  You may not be able to completely get rid of your nerves, but there are some things you can do to have a more positive mindset when entering a small talk conversation.

  You can begin with a quick visualization before you go into the social situation. See it playing out positively. See yourself having a presence in the room, paying attention and really being interested in the people you’re talking to, and generally enjoying yourself during each conversation you have.

  At first, this may seem fake or silly. That’s okay. Do it anyway. You can imagine it in your mind like a movie. Some people don’t actually see it happening but only speak the words in their mind.

  Remember when we talked about mindset and that, whatever your mind believes, it makes true? Well, this is where we use the power of the mind to create the kind of situations we want. Obviously, you can’t control every detail and it won’t necessarily turn out exactly the way you visualize. But using this technique will definitely improve your social situations. Will every one be perfect? Probably not. Will they all generally improve? You will most likely be pleasantly surprised.

  Why does this work?

  The reason visualization is such a powerful technique is because your mind can’t tell the difference between you imagining something and it actually happening. If you wanted to improve your free throws in basketball, you could practice in your mind and you would actually improve your accuracy more than if you practiced physically.

  Why? Because the same neural pathways are activated when you visualize… but there are no mistakes!

  Practice doesn’t make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect. And this is how you can practice something perfectly. It works for free throws or playing the piano. And it can work for small talk, too.

  You can also use a positive word or phrase to keep your mind focused on positivity. Now, you would not do this when you’re in a conversation because then you wouldn’t be paying attention to the person. But you could use it as you enter and leave or when you’re not speaking to anyone.

  Simply keep repeating a word or a phrase, such as, thank you, people are cool, or I am great at small talk. If any phrase feels false, then don’t use it because it would defeat the purpose. ‘Thank you’ is a simple positive thought that will keep your mind focused and not let negative talk creep in. It is a good one to use if you can’t think of anything else.

  Part of the problem with a person’s presence in a small talk conversation is the mental chatter that’s going on in their minds around the conversation. If you can keep this mental noise to a minimum, it will help you pay better attention to the other person and have a stronger presence in the situation.

  Eye contact

  We have discussed eye contact in a fair amount of detail before, but it is so important in making a good first impression that we will look at it once more in light of how to use it to establish a good rapport with the person you’re talking to.

  To begin with, let’s look at some eye contact fails. What are some of the things people do that send the wrong message?

  You don’t make eye contact at all. You not only don’t make eye contact but you look at your phone instead of at the person. You stare in an intimidating way. You make eye contact but then slide your eyes away in a shifty manner. You blink excessively. You keep looking away at other people and things.

  These all send the message to the person you want to talk to that you either don’t care about them at all, or they shouldn’t trust you, or you have the attention of a goldfish and aren’t worth wasting their time on.

  None of these is the message you want to convey, but that is what your eye contact is telling them. You may actually really want to talk to the person but they will not know that, based on the eye contact body language that you are using.

  So, what is really going on? You may find making eye contact uncomfortable for many reasons, but if you want to be a small talk master, you have to be able to do it. Let’s examine each behavior and see if we can determine what’s causing it and what to do about it.

  You don’t make eye contact at all.

  What could be happening:

  You find eye contact so uncomfortable that you don’t want to do it at all. Or maybe you find the person intimidating. Maybe they are superior at work or an attractive person of the opposite sex that you would like to approach.

  What to do about it:

  Get over it. Feel your own presence and just look them in the eye.

  Too hard? This may be the case for people who experience social anxiety. Okay, well then look near their eyes. If you focus on their eyebrow or just under their eye, it will still seem as though you are looking right at them but may lessen the anxiety you feel.

  Practice getting better and more comfortable with this essential social skill. If you have someone close to you that you can practice with — a friend or family member — try making direct eye contact for varying lengths of time. Eventually, you should feel better about making eye contact with strangers or people you don’t know very well.

  You not only don’t make eye contact, but you look at your phone instead of at the person.

  What could be happening:

  Same as above but you’re using your phone to distract you from the discomfort you feel.

  What to do about it:

  Stop! You’re being rude. It doesn’t matter what everybody is doing. Being on a device in the presence of another person in a social situation is simply rude. You need to stop doing it. If you need to check your phone, go to the bathroom or the lobby and do it discreetly — when you’re alone.

  You stare in an intimidating way.

  What could be happening:

  A lot of people, when they feel intimidated by a situation or a person, will not shrink into themselves but will actually puff up and try to dominate the conversation in an aggressive way, since this seems to lessen their uncomfortable feelings. But this is no way to become a small talk master. People who are really good at small talk, never make their conversational partner feel intimidated.

  What to do about it:

  Before you go into a conversation, sense your presence. This should lessen you
r need to have to be in charge of the conversation a little. Then, when you feel the urge to stare someone down and be aggressive, take a breath and don’t . Instead, soften your gaze and ask the person about themselves. This will take the pressure off you and hopefully, you will start to feel better about the conversation, which will mean that you don’t feel like trying to dominate anymore.

  You make eye contact but then slide your eyes away in a shifty manner.

  What could be happening:

  You’re making an attempt at eye contact but once you feel the person’s gaze on you, it makes you uncomfortable and you move your eyes away. Of course, this sort of avoiding eye contact will definitely give the other person the wrong idea about you. Everyone’s seen the movie with the man (or woman) with the shifty eyes. You don’t want to trust him (or her). And you don’t want to go near them, never mind have a conversation.

  What to do about it:

  This is the same issue as the first one we discussed where you don’t make eye contact at all and it has the same solution. Either just get over it and hold eye contact even though you find it uncomfortable, focus near the eye without looking directly at them, or you could also practice with someone you trust to become more comfortable making eye contact.

  You keep looking away at other people and things.

  What could be happening:

  You don’t find the person interesting, you’re bored, and don’t want to be talking to them. By the way, whether this is true or not, that is what you are communicating.

  Or maybe you do find your conversational partner interesting but you find other things in the area more interesting.

  You could also be having the same issue as old shifty eyes above, where you are uncomfortable holding eye contact, but you move your eyes away from the other person’s in a normal sort of way.

  Or perhaps you have focus issues where your brain itself is having difficulty concentrating on the conversation even though you want to.

  What to do about it:

  What if the person is really not interesting to you? And you really do wish you’d chosen someone else to speak to? If this happens, it’s important to remember to be respectful of the other person. And also keep in mind that just because you don’t find them interesting, doesn’t mean that they actually aren’t interesting . That’s just your opinion, at that particular moment in time.

  What you can do is to continue the conversation, paying proper attention and not letting your eyes or mind wander, until it comes to a natural ending point and you can excuse yourself.

  *But what do you do if the conversation does not come to an end because you are talking to someone who likes to create a conversational black hole, which other people get sucked into and never come out again? This will be dealt with at the end of the book in the Troubleshooting section.

  What if you find the other person interesting but there are other more interesting things because maybe you are at an exciting party or conference? If this is the case, it’s simply a matter of being disciplined. Tell yourself that you will get to the other interesting people and things later. Right now, you are talking to this person and that is what is the most important and interesting thing. Zero in and pay true attention to the person and what they are saying. The next moment when you are with those other people or things that seem more interesting is actually not going to be any better than this one. Be patient and really listen to the person you’re talking to, the way you want to be listened to by others when you’re talking to them.

  If you are having trouble making eye contact or holding eye contact, it is a skill that you have to develop. See the first eye contact problem, above.

  If you have actual focusing issues, then you likely deal with this challenge in all parts of your life. Solutions to this are beyond the scope of this book. But you may already have strategies that help you focus and you can apply them to help you focus when making small talk as well.

  Nerves and Social Anxiety

  What if you are too nervous to even contemplate talking to a stranger? Here are three techniques you can use to calm yourself before you enter a social situation or conversation. You can also use them while in a conversation if the anxiety comes up again, though you will also need to pay attention to the other person at the same time.

  How can breathing help?

  Breathing deeply stimulates the vagus nerve, which in turn activates the parasympathetic nervous system in the body. This system is responsible for calming you down by slowing your heart rate and breathing and relaxing your muscles.

  We can harness the calming power of the parasympathetic nervous system by using breathing techniques to bring down our anxiety levels. The following two techniques use breathing to help you calm yourself.

  Technique #1: Am I still breathing?

  Ask yourself the question… Am I still breathing? Then check by taking a conscious breath. Pull the air in through your nose and pay attention as it travels all the way down into your abdomen. You should feel your belly move out a little as the bottom of your lungs fills up with air. Taking even just three conscious breaths in this way will bring immediate relief from nerves and anxiety.

  Technique #2: Counting Breaths

  This second breathing technique brings the power of breathing together with focusing the mind in order to both bring in the positive and keep out the negative. Pull the air in through your nose and pay attention as it travels all the way down into your abdomen. You should feel your belly move out a little as the bottom of your lungs fills up with air. This will bring a calming feeling to your body. But what about when your mind starts up again, telling you how bad this party, or meeting, or conference, or wait at the bus stop is going to go?

  That’s what the second part of the technique is for. Once you have taken a couple of conscious breaths, then pay attention to your breathing while counting each breath — or alternatively, you can count each in-breath and out-breath. Count to ten and then start over. We do this so that your mind can’t put it on autopilot and then keep thinking in the background.

  By focusing your mind on counting, you keep it busy, which prevents it from thinking negative thoughts about yourself, the situation, and other people. Often our nerves come from all the bad scenarios our mind is imagining, so keeping ourselves from imagining them in the first place is incredibly useful.

  Technique #3: Focus on the Senses

  Another way to keep your mind busy and not think negative thoughts is to pay attention to sense perceptions. You can go through each sense and pay attention to one thing you notice from each. Use your eyes, ears, nose, sense of touch, and possibly taste if you’re eating or drinking.

  For example, I enter a party and immediately notice that it is decorated in green and yellow (sight), there is the smell of cinnamon from the cider that is being served (smell), I hear the clinking of dishes in the kitchen (sound), I brush a piece of lint off my pants and feel the smoothness of the fabric (touch), and then I go to the bar and get a drink; its taste is sweet and fizzy (taste).

  While you are paying attention to all these sense perceptions, your mind has no time to feel nervous. So, when you are approached or approach someone with your drink in hand, your nerves should be a lot calmer than if you hadn’t used the technique.

  Try practicing these methods at home and then they will become second nature when you are out in social situations. If you find it too distracting, then don’t use them during a conversation, but only before and after. These techniques can also help you relax after a stressful day or fall asleep more easily.

  Part 3

  Small Talk Master

  N ow we are getting to the good stuff. In this section, we will get into the details of making small talk. Who you should talk to, how to get started, some techniques you can use to help you know what to talk about, how to keep it going, and how to end a conversation. We'll also discuss some difficulties you may run into and how to handle them. This section is going to give you all the tools a
nd techniques that you need to become a small talk master.

  First Rule of Conversation: Complete Attention

  The first and most basic rule of communication is to give your complete attention to the person you’re listening to. Make eye contact. This is so essential because in Western culture it is the most important way to show someone that you’re listening to them. Look at the person and not at anything else. Then, make sure you’re listening with your mind to what they are saying, not just preparing your next remark. And finally, respond in a way that shows you have heard what they said. This sort of listening and paying attention makes the other person feel that you care about what they are saying.

  And whether you are talking to your partner or someone you’re standing next to in line, the thing that people want most is to be listened to. Not just tolerated. So, give someone your complete attention when you are interacting with them. What else do you have to be doing anyway? You’re talking to this person right now. So, just listen to them. Talk to them. Give them your focus and attention. They will appreciate it. And you will be making your first step towards being proficient at making small talk.